EP.021– Healing Through Pain w/ Uzoma Iroche

This week's conversation is quite different from anything we've shared over the past few weeks. Some of us are in more pain than we'll like to admit and overtime it's contributed to our outlook on life and our drive towards our goals and aspirations.

This week we're here to remind you, your healing matters too.Everything we do should come from a place of wholeness.Wherever you find yourself whether right in the middle of your healing journey or just about to start, I hope this conversation makes the process easier.

I'm joined by my guest Uzoma Iroche who is such a key figure in my life and has shown me what it means to navigate through life, whilst on the journey to wholeness.

Uzoma is a student, studying bachelor of science Biology at Carleton University, Ottawa, in Canada. She is an exhorter of the gospel, a You-tuber and future Pharmacist. She is also the founder of Abba’s Kitchen Foundation, which has a purpose to feed destitute people all over Nigeria.

She believes her purpose in life includes showing the world who Jesus is through genuine interpersonal connections that leave every person feeling like they’ve encountered the love of God in a physical way. Be it through conversation, sharing my lifestyle or being vulnerable about her struggles and experiences in these short 20 years of life.

Rhieme: Hi Uzoma, thank you very much for joining us today. Can you please tell us about yourself?

Uzoma: Hi guys, my name is Uzoma and I am 20 years old. I go to University in Ottawa, Canada, and I study Biology. I am also a YouTuber and I'm Nigerian.

Rhieme: So far we’ve spoken a lot about vision and purpose and our gifts and everything. But I think one area we overlook sometimes is healing, and is so important that we acknowledge this because pain actually stops people from going after what they want to. So what does healing mean to you?

Uzoma: I feel healing means being able to create a space for yourself, where you continue to grow, and navigate through life, despite whatever pain or disappointment you might be going through. I also believe healing means growing through the pain, and not necessarily getting around it. So yeah, because it basically means when you become a new person, and becoming a new person, not necessarily because of what the pain has, quote, unquote done to you but because of the work you have done, to get to that place of accepting your new normal. Or accepting who you have come as a result of what ever experience you've gone through, instead of avoiding or running away from it. Healing also means unlearning old habits, unlearning old patterns that were destructive that you did not know about.

Rhieme: Thank you very much for sharing that and I love what you said, especially about going through it not going around it because people are hurt in different ways. And rather than taking time to process how they feel, they jump the steps and try to look for distractions, like things to numb the pain. Whilst in the moment that might make you feel a bit better, or it takes the feeling away at that point in time, it doesn't change it. Also what you said about the way you go through pain and it being health and that leading to the type of person you're trying to become. It's important we don't allow pain change us, it's more of taking the lessons and while some things are very painful, no one can downplay that, but if we're constantly changing because of what we've been through we will always change.

Rhieme: When you go through things, sometimes it might make you almost put a hold on everything you do. and I feel like it's good for you to take breaks and pause to process how to actually pause and process how you're feeling. Have you been able to navigate achieving your goals whilst healing?

Uzoma: I like that you said and acknowledge the fact that this is a possibility stopping everything you're doing because of pain and things like that. And I just wanted to take a second before I even answer that to say that it is so normal it is very much a reality for a lot of people to not be able to function in the same capacity as they normally would based on what they've been through. I also want to lvalidate anyone that might feel as the pain they have been through in life has actually changed them because it is very potent in that way and it is something that can definitely happen. But you know, it's important to obviously take that into your own hands and decide, what's the trajectory of your life? Even though the pain was not your fault, or the pain kind of happened to you, and you didn't have a way around it, or you didn't have a way to avoid it even. In terms of navigating, achieving my goals, whilst healing I would say from my own personal experience, looking at life in a holistic manner always helps whether it is from the biggest fallout with a friend or a partner to like stubbing my toe, I will always try to look at it and say is this going to matter in the next two years? Is this going to matter in the next five years? Nobody's taking it away from you that pain is very important, and it does a lot in terms of distracting and deterring, I think looking at things holistically and deciding what it is I actually want, and how my actions in that moment are aligning with those goals. Understanding that life is multifaceted, and therefore there is more to life than that particular thing. As I said earlier, healing means unlearning for me. So in terms of the unlearning process, I find that also pushes me more towards my goals. So in terms of going through pain, healing meaning unlearning, unlearning bad habits that are unhelpful that in itself helps me to go closer to who I am trying to become what I'm trying to do. I would also say because I am Christian, and I do believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit asking God for help at every stage has always been my go-to. From when I was a young child I would say till now every asking God has helped a lot because because I find that there is a peace in knowing that some things are just not in your control. There is a higher power that is actually in control. Understanding God's word as well, for me personally, God's word is life and it holds power.

If God has said one thing, and I'm experiencing another, then I knew there's a disconnect somewhere. It's all about where I've actually placed my faith whether its faith in the situation at hand, or if it's faith in what God has actually said. It's about me making a choice of which one I'm going to pick and which one I'm going to move forward with.

Rhieme: Yeah, I love that and before we go on just adding to what you said at the start. We know how pain can cause you to actually pause that is very normal. I think the most important thing is taking your time to go through it. Everyone navigates pain differently so taking your time to go through how you feel but also not feeling like your life is over or there's no going beyond this. Sometimes when things bad things happen or disappointments happen it's like is there any hope? Is there a point in me trying to move forward? I don’t want anyone to overlook their pain or use pursuing goals to cover pain. It’s even in the midst of pain there’s hope. I love what you said about how God has helped you because ultimately I also believe God is the only person that can heal you completely. People can give you advice and be there and hear you but the truth is no one will actually feel how you feel. I also love what you said about seeing your life as a whole because sometimes our present moments can taint how we see the future. For me a good example would be friendships, I didn't experience friendship the way I knew God wanted me to so slowly I became very closed off and would say I’ll get through things myself then when I'm done I can talk to people about it. But God had to ask me, why would you allow an old experience ruin a new one?

Uzoma: Okay! Come for my neck.

Rhieme: What I’ve learnt over time in relation to opening up to people is being able to trust God in people.That's why I'm so big on allowing God choose your circle because when you know He's behind something, you can trust Him in them and it doesn't mean it doesn't mean you wouldn’t face disappointments. You know the Bible verse that says, except the Lord puts the house the builder builds in vain, I even think about in relation to friendships. If God is behind your friendship, you're not building in vain, I believe by God's grace if you know God and you're following Him it would have an impact on how you treat other people. There has to be some sort of conviction. So go through it, take your time to heal, take your time to open up to whoever you need to even be open with yourself. There was a day I had my journal and I wrote out things that had affected how I behaved. I spoke about how you shouldn't let pain change you, but truly some things I've been through actually changed me. So for example, opening up to people or the way I saw myself as a person had an impact on me and did change me. But you need to actually acknowledge and admit, I feel this way because of this, and not simply saying I’ll be fine because the cup will only continue to fill up.There was a day God spoke to me and He was saying do you know you actually don't know how to receive love?

I was a bit confused but He took me back to the root cause. I noticed it was so easy for me to show other people love from a place of I hope you get to experience something I don’t necessarily receive properly. I believe everything God has a specific way He wants us to experience things.

Uzoma: I'm making multiple mental notes because I am learning so much.The other day, I don't even know if I told Rhieme but personally I'm on my own healing journey. I just sat in the library and I felt so much pain, and I was just there surely it would be easier if I just wasn't here anymore and I was like where's that thought coming from? This is a bit scary do I need to tell someone I'm having this? But then I was like, what if people start getting worried then I realised something about our thoughts. This is why It's so important to be present with yourself because if you're not present, you will have a lot of thoughts and a lot of feel a lot of things and just disregard them. But I was like, what is it about this situation and this pain that has made me feel like not being on earth anymore is the better option? I also realised exactly what Rhieme said it’s that thing of lack of hope, and not having faith in the fact that anything that comes after this is worth waiting for. That was a very new experience for me, because I don't think I've ever been in that space before but this reveals the beauty and power of being present. It's in being present, you are able to retrace your steps to the root of the cause and tackle that specifically. So when I did as I was listening to her, I've just identified the reason I felt that way is because I did not feel like there would be any better circumstance to look forward to and I suppose that is a faith issue. In addition to answering the question of how to navigate goals whilst healing, make sure you're present and almost being a detective over your mind, and noticing different things that come through.Examining those and asking where they are coming from so you can retrace your steps and tackle it from the root.

Rhieme: When you think about it, your mind is the most powerful thing it can make you see a new experience as an old one.

Uzoma: Yes, 100%.

Rhieme: Or you start self- sabotaging, before anything has happened. So let's say something happens, you're like, oh, for them? What if this goes the way the previous experience went? That’s why being present is important, it’s something I'm working on, because there are times when I’m talking to people and I'm doing other things at the same time. Just creating more time for myself, my thoughts. Another thing I'm even trying to work on is knowing quite time with God and time with myself are two different things. When I spend time with God, I see it as more time to hear what God has to say. The same way if I'm spending time with a friend, I'm taking into account how that friend is feeling and what’s going on with them.So actually trying to find time for myself to process my day, did someone say something to you? Did that change the course of your day? If yes, why? It’s so important because we don't even realise when things are happening to us. We just push it by the side and it keeps getting worse and then you explode.

What you also shared on thinking what if you weren’t here, there are people I know that have said things like that to me before and I guess it also has to do with the gravity of how you're feeling.We’re both Christians and whilst there’s room for prayer and knowing that thought isn’t of God, sometimes, people slap on prayer, on top of things.There is still room for retracing your steps on a more practical level.

Rhieme: What advice would you give someone who's finding it difficult to look beyond their pain?

Uzoma: Yeah, this is basically ties into what we just spoke about. I study Biology at University and I love to look at things in terms of what the body is actually doing at a molecular level. It doesn’t take a scientist to know this, but pain is always an indication of something being offset in your body. It’s basically your body's way of saying something bad has happened. I would say the only way to look past pain is to actually confront it.One thing about life is what goes up must come down there are just certain things that don't just go away. And the way the body is, what is on your mind, more often than not will translate into your body as well. Sometimes that's why people feel the physical manifestation of emotional pain in their bodies and it’s our minds and our bodies are connected.

In terms of looking past pain, confront it, so your body knows this thing doesn't need so much flagging up anymore.I actually watched a TED talk the other day and they said, ask yourself, what exactly am I fighting for? Because that pain is indicative of something you feel you have lost or has been stolen from you. Like the rug has been pulled from under you, manipulation, feeling disrespected anything at all, that has caused you pain, you have to ask yourself, why does this hurt so much? You have to state the details whatever might have been taken from you say it, I have lost this and it makes me feel this way as a result. I am giving stepwise like tips that have helped me personally because I don't want people to think that because Rhieme and I have said we’re Christians this is about repetitions of Bible verses and then the pain will suddenly disappear.God is not a genie number one and two, this is not magic. Yes prayer is very much in order, affirmation of what God has said which is his word ks also in order, but in addition to that, understanding where and why it hurts is absolutely invaluable. It's like trying to get a cut to heal. If you're cleaning everywhere but that area, the pain is not going to go away. But if you're able to identify where it’s hurting, you're more likely to start the healing process.

Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. Everything you said about confronting the pain and I love the analogy you gave of the wound and cleaning everywhere. On a practical level, you have cuts and you're cleaning areas that are healed, but not that particular place where it hurts and the more you leave it, the more exposed it becomes. Healing looks different for everyone and what works for one person may not work for you and that is okay, it’s about finding how you go through things. Personally, journaling helps me acknowledge how I’m feeling and talk to God about it as well. I’ll also like to add the importance of community, because sometimes, when you're in pain you may not want to open up to anyone about it because you’re scared the person may hurt you like the last person. But I’m learning to at least start with the giving that person the benefit of the doubt. That's where I will say discernment plays a role as well, being able to discern the right people because even though someone may not have done something to you, some people are generally not good for you. I was actually watching your YouTube video yesterday and you spoke about what people say about time healing everything and I agree with what you said. It doesn't, if you don't face how you're feeling. You have to be intentional and ask yourself what you need support with. It might be getting professional and that is okay. You can be intentional about your healing it happens as you take those steps.

I’ll also like to add, sometime we look for things to cover up how we're feeling. Some people may naturally be funny but use humour to cover up how they're feeling and I will always say to people like that, you don't always have to be the person cheering everyone on at the detriment of your own happiness and peace. Sometimes you don't have to be on the centre stage. Over time if one continuously downplays how they feel through humour, people may actually start taking your feelings as a joke.

Uzoma: I would actually also like to add, make sure you're not judging yourself through the process as well. This is definitely something Godhad to help me through because I used to judge myself so much. I used to be of the opinion that being emotional and showing vulnerability in terms of your emotions was a thing of weakness. Tthat's something that was just there based on Nigerian culture and things like that. But when I stopped making myself feel like bad for feeling the way I did, I saw astronomical amounts of growth and progress as well. I wasn't fighting so many battles, I wasn't trying to uphold this image to myself. So just picking your battles in terms of letting yourself be how you are at that moment. There's a lot of emphasis on becoming but letting yourself be and actually understanding that you are a person too. If you were talking to a friend that was going through the same situation as you, I don't think that you would react to that friend the way that you react to yourself a lot of times. So just make sure you are patient with yourself and understanding you are actually a person and you deserve compassion, love and gentleness.

Rhieme: I love, that and just to add to what you said about becoming, I’m a huge advocate for being better, getting better and everything.But sometimes just pausing to see how far you've come is important, if not you will always feel dissastisfied. I think there's a difference between wanting to evolve as a person and constantly putting yourself under pressure to do X, then maybe as I do X, and I'll feel better. When I speak about becoming, I mean, becoming everything God wants you to become.

Uzoma: Yeah, like a present continuous thing.

Rhieme: Exactly, it’s a present continuous day thing. But you that's not to say you should start putting yourself under pressure to get better. No, get better because it’s part of the journey.

Rhieme: How do you stay grounded in the face of adversity? How do you navigate that?

Uzoma: In terms of staying grounded, I would say that the biggest thing is always looking at the bigger picture. The second thing I would say is I look at my notes app, and I look at the things God has done for me in the past. I have a page on my notes app where I write miracles or things I feel God has done and I've been doing this since 2018. And when I know that I have been through, and I can do hard things by God’s grace as we love to say at Skinneeds. So thinking about my life's experiences and although there are moments where I'm like God I hope you know I'm not your strongest soldier.I’m still aware of a lot of the things I've been through in life are instrumental for who I'm actually becoming and who I will need to reach. I lean on God, I listen to people that have gone through what I'm going through and I listen to those who have gone before me, I try to keep myself constantly in the loop in terms of what God is actually saying so I don't get lost in the pain and I don't want the lines to get blurred.Lastly, I lean on my family or my friends, I share issues with them and this is something that I have actually grown so much into and I have to give props to God for this and props myself because I never used to be this person and I cannot emphasise how important it is to actually lean on the people God has put in your life. There is no reason why you should be calling somebody a friend and you are only there when things are good. I mean contrary to popular belief it's not, oh, if you're not doing anything for me in my life right now I need to cut you off. No but the whole essence of friendships, I feel like has been very misconstrued in this generation. Sometimes your friend will have nothing to offer you, and you have everything to offer to them and it is not a taboo. Neither is it a red flag, it is what you call life. So leaning on your friends, your family, sharing issues is how I stay grounded in the face of adversity.

Rhieme: I love that. I really do, and I just want to add to what you said about friendships, and how sometimes your friend may actually not have anything to give. It's a real thing there are times when I’m like, what have I done for this person, sometimes it feels like, this person is always doing x for me and what God told me was friendships are a two way thing., I know that some friends it may be you that’s meant to do something in their lives,but there are some seasons where it's one person who is required to really show up for the other and or there are seasons where both people are able to show up for each other. When people say if they don't have anything to offer me, then I'm cutting them off, I believe there's a difference between dead weight, and someone going through something and not having anything to offer. So it's also not using that as an excuse to hold on to people that have served their purpose in your life and vice versa. It's knowing the seasons of every friendship. There are times when people don't have anything to say. I love that you mentioned that because sometimes things that should only come from God, we start putting them on our friends. Of course lean on people, open up but don't allow someone take the place of God in your life. I strongly believe God uses people, to help you and speak to you but they are all vessels. They are pouring into you from the source, God. It's even better for you to hear from that source directly than rely on what people have to say. It would never feel the same as hearing directly from God. I love how you have a space where you write down everything God’s done for you because when things happen it can be very easy to lose faith completely but that's another reason why I love journaling, just taking note so when I'm ever questioning or doubting, I can go back to what I believe.

Rhieme: How do you navigate not allowing your experiences define who you are?

Uzoma: Well, this one is interesting one. I love the fact that you use the word navigate because it is actually a journey rather than a destination, in my opinion. I think that it's really, about taking each day as it comes each day one step at a time and reminding yourself constantly that you are not your experiences. and Believe it or not, your voice is the voice that you hear the most and if you hear something enough, you will start to believe it. It's how humans are conditioned and my biggest tip for something like this is if you are trying to undo something that might not be the truth, then pour truth into that thing. I feel like displacement takes less energy than extraction. If you are trying to change a particular mindset, so in this case, definition of who you are, then pour more truth into that. So what We are Christians, so for me, pouring would look like understanding more of what God thinks about me, what He has actually said about me, I'm pouring into that situation, weighing up with what my experiences have told me that I am, and seeing if it matches up. Anything that does not align can actually just hit the root and be gone. If I'm saying I believe in God, and I believe in God fully, then His precepts about who I am is my truth. So constantly, making sure you are hearing, seeing, listening to things that also adds to that narrative you are trying to build up for yourself, of who you actually are and making sure, it always aligns. The eyes, the ears, they are very instrumental for who you actually become. So making sure that what you're taking in as well, in terms of content, videos whatever the case, is actually aligning as well. But all of the things that I have said, I feel like it actually just come down to self-awareness as well and making sure you're constantly checking in with yourself. There’s a podcast I listened to it's called In The Light and she was like, make sure you are not operating from a belief that is not necessarily the truth. So for me, it hit because I was like all the things I am feeling, could it be that these things are coming up because of a false narrative or a false belief that I have about myself or about the situation? In fact is my mind telling me this situation is worse than it actually is? So yeah, just checking in constantly? What is the truth? Does my belief align right now with what I know, my truth is? It is very easy to fall into that place of spiralling down a black hole.If you continue to let pain change you, you will never be grounded, you will never really have a solid identity, because you will always say I’m a victim of X, whereas you're not called to be a victim of one pain or the other. You know, there is more to life than that. I'm actually happy that this came up now because a lot of people wear pain as their badge of honour.

Rhieme: I love everything you shared especially what you said about asking yourself is your belief founded on a lie? It's actually possible for you to have convinced yourself so much and turn a lie into truth. It can be hard to admit if that's actually how you've been living your life for so long. You actually have to put in the work to build yourself up again, based on the truth and for me, it is always what God has to say about a situation.

Rhieme: Do you have any words of advice? Any last words, before we wrap this up?

Uzoma: I want to say thank you so much for me for having me. This was super fun and I personally have benefited from this conversation in ways that I wasn't expecting. Just for anybody that has gotten to this point, and is still in a place where they feel like they will never be better, or they will never feel better. Honestly, I understand because I definitely have those days that I feel that way. I think the beauty about this is that we are not claiming to have it all together, we're not claiming to be even there yet and I think lots of people don't really share about the process when they're in the pain. But I would say that I am personally smack in the middle of my healing journey. So you can trust and believe that I am not just saying these things, because I've seen the other side. A lot of the things I say, I say in faith and are things I’ve seen are helping me.

How did you find this conversation? What were your key takeaways? Share below.Make sure you subscribe to Uzoma's Youtube channel for wholesome content and see you in next week's conversation!