In a few conversations, we've spoken on the importance of trusting the process. It's one thing to trust the process but another to own the process and honour every season we find ourselves in.It's important to always remember the in-between matters too.Sometimes we wait to reach a certain destination before we feel proud of our journeys.But it's important we bear in mind that every part of the process should be embraced and walked in with confidence.
This week I'm joined by my guest Abiola, who has spoken countless times about this and is constantly aiming to live this out on a daily basis.
Abiola helps brands connect with their audience through her consultancy SBM Creative. SBM is a digital marketing partner to some of the hottest lifestyle brands and influential tastemakers out there right now.Throughout her 10-year business journey, she discovered how intentionality, personal and spiritual development could help people realise their long-term goals. Her book 'Take What You Need' helps with this. Building on her 1:1 experience, Abiola also helps communities and teams to stress less during the pandemic with bespoke workshops for companies including Facebook, The Stack & Brandwatch.
To anyone who currently feels disappointed about their journey so far, I hope this conversation reminds you that every part of the process should be embraced.
Rhieme: Hi Abiola, thank you so much for joining us today. Can you please tell us about yourself?
Abiola: Hi, my name is Abiola and I am a marketing slash business strategist. I run a consultancy agency in London called SBM where we help our clients grow online, through community and great content. I am also really passionate about self-development, spiritual development, I wrote a book about it and had a blog about it. That's what I would say is the nucleus of what I do. Beyond that because we're not just what we do, I'm like every other person who's trying to make the most of their life, and also trying to have beautiful relationships in the process of that and a supportive community.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. Recently, we've been speaking about trusting the journey and the process. What does trusting the process mean to you?
Abiola: I think this is a very important topic to cover in general because every day of our lives is a test of whether we trust the process or not. For me, what that looks like is stopping myself from the urge to give up prematurely, that's one of the biggest ones and things that make us feel like either giving up or drawing back or slowing down our feet. Sometimes trusting the process is not even giving up, it's actually not even feeling good enough to participate in whatever we're doing and whatever we're involved in. That may be because we feel we're not good enough or other people are better, or we're not even sure if this is the right thing to do. I always say, during the process, you've got to lean into uncertainty. Steve Jobs once said, you can only connect the dots in your life backwards and sometimes the fear of the unknown or how things can piece together is not clear. That's the point of trusting the process. Taking every step and watching things really start to make sense.
Rhieme: I really love what you said about not talking yourself out of certain places and taking the next step because it's something I'm currently trying not to do. Sometimes it gets to a point where everything you prayed for is coming to pass but that question of what if this doesn’t work out? Then comes up. But it’s also about looking back at how far you’ve come and trusting the journey.
Rhieme: Could you please share a life tip you've put into practice that has helped you embrace your story?
Abiola: For me, we've said what trusting the process is not so not talking yourself out and continuing. But how do you continue? Practically what that means for me is I believe my life is mine and everybody's life is unique. I also really believe in case studies or some people may say, testimonies, examples, role models. So the people I look up to are far ahead of me in age and their careers have been there longer than I've been alive. For me, keeping an eye on that and those are people who may be far away celebrities or people I’ve seen who are in close proximity. Understanding that life is like a seed, which grows over time and understanding that if I'm x years into my career, 10 years into my career, that's not very long in the grand scheme of things. Someone once said to me, when I started my corporate career, they said you may be 21 or however I was when I started but you're only six months in. You're a baby consultant. It really made me think how would I treat a six-month-old? Or how would I treat a 10-year-old if I'm 10 years into my career? So for me I have seen many examples in my life of how time is the biggest factor. A preacher Christine Caine once said you see me on all these stages and in front of hundreds of 1000s of people and you think how did she get there? I'm one of the people that stayed. But you know, when I started when I was 18, I'm just still here kind of thing. I always remember that because so much of which is why I said, you know, trusting the process is not taking yourself out of the out of the run or out of the process. Because so much of quote unquote success or getting to where you want to be it just actually being able to persevere. There's an expression, which is like to stay at your post, right. So imagine if you're guarding a city and everybody has a post that you need to stay there and just monitor your side of the city.Just staying at your post and staying in your lane is actually the secret to success. In our world where it feels like it needs to happen tomorrow night and it feels like it should have happened yesterday night and all it feels like people who are the same as you are moving maybe at a quicker pace, it can be very easy to be say maybe I should try something else. Or maybe I shouldn't even bother at all. But I think to me staying at your post is critical. The third thing is when you start to pursue what you believe you're supposed to be doing or an aspiration that you have. For me, I write a lot and I reflect, and I have God's perspective on what I meant to be doing. We all go through ups and downs life is up and down. So let's say you had a moment of inspiration, you felt this is what I'm supposed to be doing and went to this event about getting into tech and I thought, yeah, I want to do this. Maybe I've had confirmation a friend said to me, you would be great at tech and they didn't know I wanted to do that. Or maybe you've had people speak words of knowledge or prophecies, or you just felt like this is what God is telling me. Sometimes it's not what other people told you. It's just a deep knowing inside. I write that down, and then I revisit it. So even the days especially as an entrepreneur, especially as someone who's always trying to help businesses get better. I have a self-doubt all the time. I never thought I would be that person says you know, when you’re an entrepreneur, you doubt yourself all the time, I doubt myself all the time, you're always asking, am I doing the right thing? Am I good enough? Am I really meant to be doing this? My default reaction is I need to go back to my notes or wherever I wrote down a reminder of why I'm here in the first place, all the affirmations and the sign off. The anointing I think God has given me, I go back to that, and maybe I read it, or I turn them into declarations or affirmations. I say them in the time I need it. Declarations come in times of strength, but I don't think they're there for times of strength. They're there for times when you feel like you're weak. So being able to affirm, who you are and what your process is, and what your journey is, is very helpful.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for what you shared, especially what you mentioned about staying at your post. It's something I’m learning more. It's one thing for you to have an idea of why you're here. But for you to be faithful till the end, even when things don't seem like they're moving forward is so important. Also what you said about writing things down. So I I'm obsessed with journaling. I opened a word document maybe l a month ago where I just wrote down everything I believe I'm supposed to do and literally last week, was quite hard and I just spent everyday speaking those truths over myself. Sometimes it's weird especially if you feel like it's God speaking those things over you and you don't see them in yourself. So it's like oh, I didn't know that was in me, but constantly speaking the truth over yourself and sinking into your craft. Because I think too many people especially my age range, most people are always moving from one side to the other. I feel like whilst there's space for flexibility and trying new things, there's also wisdom and sticking to what you believe is yours and trying to be the best at that. Along the line, branching out into different things and stuff. Because I mean for you, you’ve done quite a lot. You've written a book, you've had events and it's all kind of tailored around what you do already.
Rhieme: How have you had the courage to really express and embrace yourself as a person?
Abiola: I think that's come over time. I don't ever remember doubting it, but I'm definitely someone who's very introverted. I've always been environments where I've been different to whoever's around me and people especially when you're growing up and you're young. I was told many times I'm different whatever that may be. So that could have been me being the only black person in the place or being with other people who are black but being told I wasn't the right type of black for them or whatever that could be. I've always felt like I've always been different and it's not made me doubt myself. I think it's just made me aware of my differences. But as you grow in life, you realise that the things that make you different are your strengths. They're the things people actually celebrate you for if you're gracious enough to allow yourself to flourish. So for me, it sounds very cliche, but the things you feel different about are probably the things that are going to be your biggest strength and things people remember you for. I think the second thing is this is probably why I've never also had too many struggles with these people are trying to make me feel different, I've never really internalised that because I guess it might just be the obstinate nature of me or being a firstborn child is that I don't really think about other people in this. When it comes to defining my life I think about myself because I'm very in touch with my feelings.
So for example, what I mean is if I feel physically uncomfortable, which is what I felt when I needed a job transition, I would I had physical manifestations of the discomfort, not being able to get out of bed, just always being distracted, my body doesn't can't allow me be in that position and not do anything about it. We’re the only people that live with all of our full breadth of our emotions, our pain. Even the closest person to us cannot feel what we feel. I just try and honour that rather than trying to pre-empt what people are feeling and thinking about my choices. I try to hone in to my own emotions or my own feelings. Some of them are fundamental n your gut, in your spirit. We all have feelings every day. Sometimes stuff is hard. I also remember something I always tell people, is when you go to bed at night, all of those voices that said ‘I would prefer if you chose this career’ ‘I prefer it if you look this way’. The only person who has to really lie down in bed and take all of it in is you so they say these things in passing, or people have expectations, but they're dealing with that and stuff. I'm the only one that has to live with the reality of going to that career every day, I'm the only one that has to live with the reality of spending years and years. If I'm the only one that has to truly live with the experiences and the consequences of this, at least let me make the decision on my own terms so that I can feel the pain. It applies to many things but one example that jumps out to me is when I applied to university the two universities, I wanted had the same grades offer and they were all straight A grade offers. My school said, you can't apply to an insurance firm that had the same offer. What happens if you miss it? Why didn't you pick a second one as your insurance and I didn't want to go to that university I didn't want to have a degree from this university. I didn't want to go there. I shouldn't have even applied and they were like but what if you don't get in, you should do it. I said, if I didn't get in, I would rather live with the knowledge of trying and failing and then just trying the next year, lots of things are not the end of the world we think they are, especially when it's the first time doing something that's your first thing. You don't want to miss your grades. That seems like the biggest thing in the world but actually, I'd rather try it and miss them and try again, than just go somewhere else and always know, 10, 20 years later, this wasn't what I thought was my best I don't want to live with that I'd rather live with the pain of feeling like I've tried and failed or I've tried and I have to try again. Because it's not working out than to sell myself short and always be wondering what if for literally the rest of my life, it's not a decision that I made when I was 18 that I would carry with me. It's for the rest of my life.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. I think the main thing I pulled out was just having courage to, own your story, own yourself as a person and standing your ground because I feel like a lot of the time people just project what they want in their lives that they haven't experienced yet. Especially if it's coming from maybe parents or family members. Just kind of telling you what they wish they had, what it's more, taking time out for yourself. I'm thinking, what do I want out of this experience? Sometimes it might even come from people who are seen as experts, quote, unquote. Something similar happened with me. So the university I'm currently at I love it. At first, they were like you need to have certain grades and Law being very competitive they were like, I don't think you should go for it if you don't have the grades at the moment but I was like, this is the only place I see myself to be. I just decided as you said, to go forward and see where it goes. If it doesn't pull through, it doesn't but at least you tried. I think also focusing on what those decisions do to your character, choosing to challenge yourself. As time goes on, resilience and courage are built.
Rhieme: Could you please share your journey of how you reached where you are through authenticity?
Abiola: I would say how I've reached my journey to authenticity is literally that thing of honouring, who you want to be and why also where you think you want to go. sometimes, you know, definitely I want to go to this uni and don't want to go to uni. Sometimes you have an inkling, but whatever that is, I just honour my curiosity, I honour my inklings. What that means is starting my career, I thought I might want to own my business I'm going to try out consulting. I didn't know that's what I wanted to do. But based on the information I had at the time, based on the other options that were on offer, or that people were talking about, I felt like that was the right one. And when I got there, I continue to honour, keep going back to why did I choose this job in the first place? And what am I trying to learn? Am I using this as an opportunity to learn the things I needed to learn when that desire changed? And I was like, Okay, I think I want to, I did not want to start a blog and share my thoughts. It feels awkward. People don't really share their thoughts and blogs. But, you know let me try I just wanted that curiosity. And then when it came to I think my time in this career is over for now, I want to try something else, I honour that curiosity. So I just think and in my conversations with people even applying for jobs and things, I would say, this is what I thought, this is why I made this decision and this is what I learned. And now this is why what I'm thinking and this is why I'm making this decision and being very honest about my thought process. I think people I spoke to really, it showed that I was someone who was thinking and making things happen for myself, even if I didn't have maybe all the experience and the skills of other people I was, I was going to a very clear thought process in my mind. That was all of my own decisions, rather than this sounds good, or someone told me to do this. I think that applies to everything. So one of my principles and SBM is I try and be a trusted adviser and support our clients in every way possible. I always try and live by that and I hope that all of our clients feel supported in that sense. I think it's all about knowing your values and those values may change. Or knowing what you want to achievement in a given time or what you want to learn and experience in a given time.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing and I really like what you said about following your curiosity. Even if you're not sure, just going for it, because most of the time it's just you. I see it as you unravelling, different aspects of yourself that you probably didn't know were there in the first place. Sometimes we allow fear stop us from leaning in and just seeing where this could go. I mean, I remember when I started my blog, it was more for a job role I had, and I was trying to get students to sign up for something. As time went on, I said to myself, I think I want to bring more of my other interests into it. It felt weird because when it started off most of the stuff, I do now wasn't there at the start.
Rhieme:What will you say to your younger self with regards to embracing the journey?
Abiola: I would affirm and say you're just on the right track. I think that's what I just needed. Make decisions for yourself, not for anybody else.I don’t think I had any anything else I would say, to my younger self really, I feel like I'm very happy and satisfied with how my life has gone in terms of the things that I'm in control of, I'm still learning every day. That's the thing I would that is one thing I would say, actually because growing up in an academic environment there's an endpoint, you do an exam, and then you're done. You move on, or there's also a right and wrong answer. And I think what I would say to my younger self is there's no end point, there's no arrival. The journey is actually the arrival. So success isn’t if I get to this, then I can rest or then I'm worth it, or I've done the right thing. The success is, Am I constantly honouring being authentic to what I think I should be doing right now? And then Am I giving my best? Am I making the most? And am I trusting the process? I’ve spoken to my friends about how would you define yourself as successful? A lot of them said no, until I do X, and I've always said, I think I'm successful, because all I'm doing is continuing to honour myself and I really see things as a craft, and you never perfect a craft because you always improve your life in and of itself. As a craft, you get to learn, you get to refine and really enjoy that.To spend the time refining and enjoying the process, which sounds so cliche, but just enjoying the actual process of learning. Rather than trying to rush from achievement or milestone to milestone because it's what you're learning in those little nitty gritty things that can actually elevate you in the next stage. But then when you get to the next stage, you realise I am a kindergartener at this new stage. Again, I've got more to learn and I think that's a beautiful thing. It also shows that you're progressing.
Rhieme:I love that you’re constantly seeing the lessons in different seasons as stepping stones for the next. As you said, not seeing things as the end of themselves. But more of I don't know where this is going but I will keep on going. It’s so important, because most people feel like they haven't achieved much when they're like, if only I get x, then I'll be fine. I mean my mindset used to be like that as well. But having a better, healthier way of viewing success, for example not being known, not necessarily it being about you being known to people by people, but more of staying in your lane, honouring the season and pulling out the lessons.
Rhieme: What advice would you give anyone who is in the process of coming out of their shell?
Abiola: I would say, follow your curiosity. Don't force yourself to come out of your shell, but just follow your curiosity and do the things that you want to unapologetically. But don't think it has to look a similar way to how someone else has done it. Just follow your curiosity, follow your skill set, follow your interest and naturally, you'll come out of your shell because you're in your lane. You're not trying to replicate somebody else's path.
How did you find this conversation? Any key-takeaways? Share below in the comments, we'll love to hear your thoughts. Make sure you check out SBM Creative and get a copy of 'Take What You Need' here. See you in the next conversation!
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