We've been speaking on the importance of healing and openness in the last few conversations. At Uncovered Conversations, we aim to have all the necessary conversations to support you on your journey to wholeness whilst pursuing vision.
Most of the time we shy away from being open about our feelings, but I hope this conversation gives you the extra push to dig a little deeper and lean into the strength within you. This week I'm joined by my guest Temidayo, who has set an amazing example on the importance of vulnerability and the strength developed whilst putting it into practice.
Temidayo Seriki attended Greenwood House school for his primary education and Greensprings school for his high school education before relocating out of Nigeria with his family. Shortly after the passing of his mum, he moved back to Lagos and decided to settle here. It was in that time he was able to notice and understand that men in Nigeria were suffering a great problem of neglect, there was no attention being paid to the development of men, both old and young, and he decided to solve this problem. This was the birth of Man Up initiative; this initiative aims to challenge and change cultural and social norms in men that have stifled their development and the initiative does that in different ways. One of the ways being Safe Space, a space created for young men to share and discuss issues that men go through but that cultures and norms have held them back from speaking up about, such as depression. Temidayo’s passions do not stop there, he is also very interested in human capital development and is launching a company called Vision, which aims to give guidance to young Nigerians with career and entrepreneurial aspirations.
Our conversation was amazing and very thought-provoking. This is your reminder, to choose to trust again. I hope this conversation stirs strength within you.
Rhieme: Hi Temidayo, thank you so much for joining us.Can you please tell us about yourself?
Temidayo: Hello my name is Temidayo Seriki. I’m 25 and the founder of Man Up Initiative, which is a platform that aims to encourage and change value systems in young men. We do that in different ways. I also work in real estate I'm a growth specialist well, I haven't gotten to this specialist part yet, but I'm speaking it into life. I think my main passion just lies with helping and listening to people. Leading people down a different thought process and I also see myself as a problem solver.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. Over the last few conversations, we've spoken about healing because sometimes people don't feel like it’s worth pursuing anything for themselves because of pain and everything. So for you what does vulnerability mean?
Temidayo: I think first things first, I realised a lot of people have different definitions for different ideas. So vulnerability, for example, you and I might define that differently. But for me, I would always say, vulnerability is your ability to put yourself in a position that could harm you but still going ahead to do that. That harm is not just physical harm. It could be emotional, mental, it could be anything. But it's essentially putting yourself in a position where you could be hurt but having the courage to still take that step.
Rhieme: Yeah cause there's always a risk attached to it, you may not get the response you want.
Temidayo: Exactly, I always tell people everybody's story is different. Everybody started different and for me I can express something to you or maybe my partner or my friend and they might give me a great reaction. But another person can do the same thing to their own group of friends, and they can laugh at them. You know, that's the risk that's attached to things like that. But that shouldn't stop you from taking the step the next time, it should just help you understand that maybe this is not the right person to do this with or maybe I can help this person get to this stage. It shouldn't stop your actions, it should help you learn how to take different actions next time.
Rhieme: Yeah, definitely that’s even something I deal with sometimes. In the past, I've been friends with the wrong people. So when I met new people I didn’t really want to open up because of what happened before. But I’m learning you can’t constantly pull out past experiences and bring them into new things and new people.
Temidayo: Yeah, it's difficult, it's actually really hard because imagine a case where you've expressed something so deep, and somebody has just completely shut you down. Or you feel betrayed. So I can actually understand people saying oh, I don't want to share anymore because PTSD is real. I feel like you shouldn’t let anybody tell you your experiences are invalid because they aren't. PTSD is real I’ve had my fair share of PTSD, so many different things. So I feel it's just you overcoming and getting into a position where it’s okay to say I'm not in the same place I was X amount of time ago and mustering up the courage anyway.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. So how have you been able to draw strength from being vulnerable, even though it's sometimes seen as a weakness?
Temidayo: Okay, let me address the last thing you said first, and that's how vulnerability is seen as a weakness. One thing I don't understand is how society managed to make vulnerability seem like a weak thing, because it's one of the hardest things to do. Hands down, I’ve been in positions where I'm about to say something that is deep and I'm shaking because I don't know what the reaction is going to be. I've had to muster up courage and strength to actually say that thing but the moment you say it you feel light. So vulnerability, it's as if you’re carrying a weight and the moment you speak it released from you. Anyone that is of the opinion that vulnerability is a weakness actually needs to take a step back and have a look for real and that person should try and be vulnerable in a place where there’s a group of people and you’ll see how hard it is. It's so difficult, it's a lot easier to be quiet, and brush up your issues. That's weakness, in my opinion, because it doesn't take much strength, it doesn't take anything to do. It takes a lot more strength to muster up the courage and say I'm going to say this thing, even though it's going to put me at risk. It doesn't matter what the outcome is, I'm still going to say it. How have I been able to muster strength to be vulnerable? I think it comes with just doing it. Why I say that is because a lot of the time people don't want to be vulnerable because of the reaction. You don't want a case where somebody is going to laugh at you for saying you don't like football. Especially as men we have a lot of things we are afraid to be vulnerable about, let's say, for example, your financial position is not that great whereas you're in a group of friends that are very wealthy. It takes a lot of strength to say my financial position isn't the best right now, I don't want to go, or let's go somewhere that's cheaper.Rather than being quiet and going somewhere you don't have money to pay for. You pa but you only have N5k left in your account because you don't want your friends to think you don't have money, whereas that's the case. If they are your friends, they should actually understand. What I say comes from practice because you find that a lot of situations, especially situations like that, you could mention it and say guys look oh, bar no dey on ground and your friends will be like okay fair enough do you want to go somewhere else? Or should I pay for you? II always feel like, if someone is really your friend, the reaction they will give you, especially when you're afraid would completely blow you away. For example, coming to your guy friends to tell them how you're suffering with a mental health issue, or you're feeling depressed, or anxious, you think they will brush it off. But a lot of the times at least from my experience and what I've seen, people would be there for you. People would say, oh, how can we help? I know a therapist or talk to this person or do you want to pray together?
I remember, the first time one of my friends was going through something and then I didn't really have a relationship with God, I was still young, I was at A levels and he was he just walked into his room and he was crying and he didn't want me to come in. But I could hear through the door he was crying. So it just opened the door and I was like bro what’s up? We ended up praying together and I didn't really know what I was doing. I remember that evening I moved my mattress from my room to his room. We spent the whole weekend in a room watching stuff. Over that weekend, we got so much closer as friends and we’re still friends today. As guys especially, it's always thought that the normal reaction for your guy friends is to be like what are you talking about? But you'll be shocked people might be going through something similar and they just needed you to be the gateway for them to be expressed or they just are there for you.When people actually react in a negative way, it's hard to take. But like I said, I don't think that should be what dictates whether or not you do something in the future. It should dictate how you do and where you do and who you do that to. So what gives me strength is knowing that it's just fear that's making me think people are going to shot me down. But 9 times out of 10 I'm going to get a positive reaction, I'm going to get help. I'm going to get togetherness. I'm going to get all these things that are going to help me get better especially because I feel like the people you are most likely to express yourself to are your friends and your family. True friends would be there for you. So that gives me courage, that gives me strength. It's still hard even for me as I'm saying this, it's still a bit hard, but I draw strength from the fact that I know I have good people around me that even when I do express myself, I'm in a safe place.
Rhieme: Yeah, that's so good because that's the thing, the way people respond also has an effect on you. But as you said, someone reacting negatively shouldn't determine whether you’re going to open up again. I think it's almost an investment in a weird way, it can go two ways. It can deepen your relationship with that person or you might just realise this was the wrong person after all.
Rhieme: Can you please share your journey on how you've been able to embrace vulnerability?
Temidayo: That’s a long journey are you ready for this?
Rhieme: I’m ready!
Temidayo: Where do I start? So growing up, I was very to myself. I was the only boy at the time growing up. I have a blended family now who I love to death. I don't think that was the reason but I grew up in an environment where vulnerability was really shut down. It wasn't the norm. My biological mum wasn't really the one for expressing your emotions. I remember one time I went on to my mum and said some kids have bullied me in school, they were telling me I have a big head and my eyes are big. She was just like huh, she just removed her glasses and was like are my eyes not big? I was like oh okay, I guess I should not be talking about these things and that was when I was really young and I remember that day. So things like that discouraged me from really speaking about anything. I moved out to Nigeria to England, we moved out and I got to school, and I was on my own and I was very okay with being on my own. I didn't really call my family, even my sister. I mean, I'd see her during the breaks and we would chat once in a while, but I never was the type to call and things like that. I would say I was a bit expressive with people I was dating at the time but even that wasn't deep. It was just a bit difficult growing up, but I think the turning point for me was actually when I lost my mum, so I hadn't cried in years before that day.My mum would always ask me if I have a heart of stone, like why can’t you cry? I’ll always say it’s not as if I don’t want to, I feel like I can’t. The day that happened I cried continuously, I feel like that opened the floodgates in terms of expression, outward expression. I feel as men, we're taught to be internal and internalise things and keep things to ourselves. But I felt like that day I was allowed to just cry and allowed to express myself. Not only was I allowed to, I was told that, it would help me. So things like that, that's how the floodgates I believe were open. Now I cry all the time. I put something on my story, someone said if you’re offered $75,000 to not cry for a whole year are you going to win the money? and I was just guy you can’t push it. If you do it for three days, or maybe five days, I can probably win. The way my church is even setup, we just cry all the time. Anyway, I don't think it's just about crying to be honest. I think it's more about expressing your feelings and that's how it started. I think also moving back to Nigeria, meeting my dad after for so many years of my parents not being together. My step mum as well, my family, how we’re able to sit together, talk together, rebuilding my relationship with my sister, and friends. I started meeting interesting people shortly after I came back, my job started. So that was a mental shift for me. I started thinking differently about life and coming from a different perspective and realising that a lot of the things I was taught to my own detriment were not helping me develop. So as I began to learn about these things, I began to see the benefits of changing some of my behaviours, some of my ways of thinking, and how it would lift me up.
Like I said, it's hard. So it even got to a point where I thought I was the epitome of vulnerability. I thought, I’m a vulnerable guy but then I actually realised I wouldn’t give you everything. I started meeting people like one of my best friends now Tobi, he's one of the people I learned this from the most. Even one of my other friends Dipo. These guys, it's almost as if you feel what they're feeling. When I started seeing these things and hearing how they speak, how they think, things they said and how much strength it took them and it would all be from a place of I just want to help you get through this.I'm going to be vulnerable with you so you can see some of the things I've been through and how I overcame. I was the traditional guy in terms of not crying, bottling up my emotions. But I was able to learn the strength in being vulnerable, I was able to learn the benefits of being vulnerable and I was able to learn how my vulnerability can help another person. So yeah, these are the things I've learned on my journey.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing I think one thing I really picked up on was how a lot of it also had to do with your environment. There was something I saw the other day, they were like, it's toxic for you to ask someone to open up to you when they don't even give you the space to. It’s like calling someone as you’re crying and they're screaming at you to open up. Even what you said about how you can give the person a bit, but not everything. That’s something that happens with me a lot, I typically wouldn't want to share everything that's going on, but there’s a different type of strength that comes with it.You're not losing anything when it's the right people. I got used to this whole thing of saying I'll be fine. I will say I'm usually the person that most people come to. I guess you get so used to ahelping other people but when it comes to you, you’re like, I don't think there's much to say. But it's only as of recent, I started learning I’m no one’s saviour and I need to speak when I actually need support and outgrow this mentality of saying I'll be fine. Most of that had to do with a lack of trust actually, not trusting people, or seeing how people had treated others. So it’s like I don't think I want to put myself in that position. But as you said, it's all about the right people at the right time in the right space.
Temidayo: That's true. I just wanted to speak to that briefly. I always feel the most important people to check up on are the people who are always helping other people. Those are the people that usually have some something. I just find that those people are usually also going through stuff.They're always helping and people are always giving them load, but they don't have anyone to offload to. What tends to happen is you can snap and you don't want that especially guys. For guys, I would say the most common version of that is the funny person, the person that’s always the loudest or cracking the most jokes. I feel like one day just shock your friend with the oh, what's going on with your life kind of question and let them stop laughing for five seconds and figure out what's going on in their own lives and in their own heads. Then you'll find that because you hear about a lot of people for example, take their own lives and you hear people say stuff like, wow, he was always this, he was always so nice. I just think it's important to pay attention to everyone.
Rhieme: Yeah, I had a conversation with someone on this topic. We spoke about that whole thing of people who are always laughing, always trying to get other people happy. I think sometimes it can come from a place of this is not how I'm feeling right now but I want you to feel this way, regardless. It’s being sensitive, someone doesn't need to say there’s a problem before you ask, how are you? Are you okay? And setting boundaries on how much you take on. Something I started doing when I know I have something heavy to share, I'll ask the person if they have space to carry it. Because it doesn't feel good, especially if you're not okay when someone offloads on you when you don't have the capacity to carry. If the person has the capacity to carry it then it’s fine. But people don't think about that in that moment, so I try to be very careful because you don't know.
Rhieme: So how have you been able to remain open despite difficult life experiences?
Temidayo: God, I would say that's the thing. God has really been good to me. I don't really have downers anymore as much as I used to. It doesn't mean I won't be upset. God is the one that gives me the hope and he openness. He’s blessed me so much with people, my environment, my family. It doesn't mean I'm not going to be sad at times, it doesn't mean I'm not going to be upset at things, but it just means that big picture is what I see. I always try and look ahead and say His plans for me are good and that gives me hope, that's the only answer for me. I can't really put it on a person or anything or myself. I don't think there's anything I do particularly that keeps me open. I think God has been able to transform my heart in that way. I wasn't always like this. My lifestyle has completely changed, people that knew me before when I was in uni, especially secondary, will tell you that.
Rhieme: Yeah, thank you for sharing. I think anything that has to do with us going against things that we’re comfortable with a lot of the time, it’s God that will help you have those hard conversations or confront things you’ll rather not. That's one thing I've personally experienced this year. One thing God is teaching me is how to love people properly and it's been very stretching and uncomfortable. One thing I've also learned is how God will constantly push you towards that version of yourself He's created you to be.So it's like, without Him you actually can’t get to that side because you probably want to stay static or you’ll rather not.
Rhieme: What advice would you give someone who's experienced hurt whilst being vulnerable and is looking to heal and move forward?
Temidayo: Okay, I think if you're looking to heal and move forward, you're already at a huge advantage because you're willing. So what I would say is, don't let that situation define who you are. If you do, you're essentially defining yourself as that person. But things happen, life happens, I believe everything happens for a reason. The aim is to learn from every situation. It's easy sometimes to crawl into a box because of something hurtful that happened to you and I'm speaking from personal experience, I'm not just talking, it's very easy to do that. But it takes a lot of strength to say, okay, despite this, I will do this, it takes a lot of courage. So, I would say to that person you're a strong person, you are not who the situation is making you think you are. So step out of that and step into who you really are. Your willingness to be vulnerable is already putting you at an advantage because that willingness is what's going to push you. For those who might not be willing, I would also say the same thing, if not something very similar, you should learn from that experience and not let that work to your own detriment. Because the moment you stop expressing, you keep things in, you will explode at some point. I just feel like that's how our bodies are. So you have to do it for your own good, not for anyone or not for any group of people. It's for you. That's what I would say.
Rhieme: Yeah, definitely what you said about doing it for yourself. Sometimes, you don't realise how you become trapped in experiences because of what X person did. But that person may have moved on with their life and you need to move forward too. I guess, also not having a victim mentality because sometimes, when people do a lot to you, you’re like, I act like this because that person did this to me. But one thing I’ve realised is when you constantly keep on changing because of what people have done, you're always going to change all the time. As you said, it's more of taking out the lessons you've learned. That’s thing, it's then hard for you to not build up walls. So definitely taking your time to always process what has happened, but don't keep on changing who you are because of people. It's hard though.
Temidayo: It’s hard, that’s one thing I’ve been saying. I also think it takes a lot of intentionality really, being intentional about creating a space you can feel safe to share things. I think it's so important.
Rhieme: Yeah, definitely. I think one thing that has helped is me actively allowing God choose my friends. So in the past, I could let anyone in and that didn't go well. But now it’s
trusting God in people. So knowing if I'm being asked to share something with someone, I can trust God in them, trust His Spirit in them for them to receive a properly and say the right things.
Rhieme: Do you have any last words? Advice, anything that has been on your mind?
Temidayo: I’ll just say especially because we're talking about vulnerability, which I feel like is a big part of manhood, manhood is not defined by what society has told you. Manhood to me is being who you want to be, unapologetically being yourself. So just do that and if you're the person that likes football awesome if you don’t awesome. If you like pink awesome, pink looks the best on me, really. So just be yourself and don't let anyone make you feel less of a man because you want to do something that you like to do.
How did you find this conversation? Any key-takeaways? I'll love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below and make sure you check out Man Up Initiative. See you in the next conversation.
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