Healing is a process we often by-pass because of the effort and strength it takes. As much as it's important to pursue our goals and dream careers, our wellbeing shouldn't be compromised. Who we are as people will always have an effect on our produce. This week I'm joined by my guest Shide Ugbaje, who I look up to and she candidly shares how her faith has played a major role in her journey to healing. Some people there can be no intersection, but hearing her story shows it's possible.
Shide fondly know as Shidss works as a Compliance Officer in the Asset Management Industry. She’s a creative who is passionate about God, ministry, healing, wholesome living, fashion, design and Africa. She’s an aspiring designer, a leader in her church and also serves as Team Champion of the Media & Events team of TLC Vibe, the Young Adults ministry of The Liberty Church. She loves dancing, is a natural hair enthusiast and together with her sister, runs a page called The Blooming Fros - created to show women (and men) the beauty of their crowns.
Our conversation was so heartwarming and I truly hope it meets you wherever you are. You can start over.
Rhieme: Hi Shide, thank you so much for joining us today, an you please tell us about yourself?
Shide: First of all, I just want to say, thank you very much for having me to having this discussion and for bringing me on to talk about this topic. I'm really grateful that you even thought about me for this. Preparing to have this talk has also, for lack of a better word, transformed me, it’s still transforming me and made me realise why healing is still in use. I work and live in London, I'm a compliance office and I studied Law.I recently started a new job, and I'm absolutely loving it because I know God gave me the job. I love reading, travelling and going to museums. My sister and I run a blog slash Instagram page called The Blooming Fros where we talk about everything hair, lifestyle and everything in general, but it's more centred on natural hair.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing. We’ve had a few conversations on healing, a great place to start from is, what does healing mean to you?
Shide: I went to look it up and it says, the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. But for me, I think healing is beyond the physical process of becoming healthy emotionally, physically or mentally. For me as a Christian, healing is bringing together of all those things, becoming sound again, healthy but with the additional process of being sanctified, becoming more like Jesus. I see healing and sanctification as two things that go hand in hand, I believe it's a process God takes everyone through in order for us to look more like Christ. Dor me, healing is becoming whole. Looking more like Christ requires being cleansed. The experiences I've had with healing have made me more fit. I have a scripture I want to read in 2 Timothy verse 19-21 “God’s firm foundation stands, bearing the still. The Lord knows those who are His and everyone who calls on the name of the Lord must stand up from iniquity. A large house contains not only vessels of gold and silver, but also wood and clay, some indeed for honourable use, but others are for common use. If anyone cleanses himself of what is unfit, he will be a vessel for honour, sanctified, useful to the master and prepared for every good work”. It really shows what healing is for me, it cleanses and sanctifies me, makes me a vessel of honour. I believe as we continue this conversation, will get to explain how I have how I see this verse connected to healing.
Rhieme: This is only the first question! I love what you said especially about how healing is part of the process of becoming more like Christ. I don't think I've thought about it that way. I think I've always seen healing as a necessary process of becoming the person God has created me to be, but then remembering that person is becoming more like Christ ultimately is such an important perspective.He cares more about who we are as people than our service. From personal experience, God will always take more time on who you are as a person before He asks you to do various things. The other day, the verse that says, “you're saved by grace through faith” had a different meaning to me. Now I see it as meaning I’m saved by grace, and the Holy Spirit is the embodiment of grace, and we all have Him within us. So it’s through us as we’re encountered by people, God should be seen through us.
Shide: I wanted to add some clarification. So for anyone who might feel I need to become a completely whole person, before I can be used by God that is not true. I believe as you said Rhieme we have been graced, we're saved by grace through faith and there is grace for every season and every level we step into. So in the growth we’re going through, there's more God is stripping away as He's adding more because he wants to make more room.Every level, you're getting whole enough for that particular purpose God wants you to fulfil in that season. So to even add to the first question of “what does healing mean to me?” Healing is a continuous process. I've had seasons where it's been predominantly healing but I cannot say even when I'm going through a fantastic season where everything seems to be working out perfectly I don’t still see healing taking place. Healing for some people might mean you are happier, it might not necessarily mean you're healing from childhood trauma, it might just mean you see yourself in a different light, you are more confident, or you enjoy doing certain things you used to do before.
Rhieme: Yeah I love that. I think it's so important you added that as well because what I've noticed is sometimes we strive for perfection. We try and get to a place where we don't have any problems and then maybe God will use us. But that's not true. We shouldn’t rush to do rather than be, the process of healing shouldn’t come with distraction. I think as you said, knowing at different points in time, everything God is going to ask you to do will flow from that place of your connection with Him and what He believes you’re ready for at that point in time. I think the journey to wholeness is for a lifetime, because even if you may heal from childhood trauma and as you said, it's also become more like Christ and none of us are perfect. Some people think they have to wait till their lives are perfect before they can do anything but what I’ve realised is in the midst of you feeling at your worst and everything you may still have a burden to share the in between. That gives God even more glory, because you're working through His strength in your weakness.
Rhieme: Can you please share your journey on how you've been able to navigate forgiveness and healing from pain?
Shide: Last year in 2020, I went through a season where God was focusing on healing specifically and the Holy Spirit was impressing on my heart several times about foundations. Taking out things that would have unstable foundation so I could build a new foundation in Him. The word the Lord gave me last year 2020 was rebuilding the temple, but for me to rebuild a temple in my life and intimacy with God. So 2020 was more of you’ve seen and tasted the goodness of God but where you’re going I need you to work through setting things in your life, that are hindering your development in me and your ability to look more like Christ. I started going through that process and there are many things that helped me start. Navigating forgiveness and healing started by being plugged into the right community. My church I was going to would have cluster campaigns, talking about healing, forgiveness and conflict resolution My church as well, the Liberty church, they don't shy away from talking about difficult topics. We've been planning to have this. I've even learned even more again from that Sunday service so I think the timing for this is actually divine timing. Last year, I recorded a podcast with my friend Bimpe for Conversations with Bimpe Abiade and it was on healing. Looking back from that time period in my life, I thought, wow, I've grown so much from being able to forgive people that hurt me and I didn't think I could ever forgive, I didn't even think I needed to forgive them. I thought I was justified with my anger; I'm allowed to be angry at these people for what they have done to me and I sat comfortably in that place. God really took me through this process, He said these are the people I want you to forgive and not only forgive, but to ask them for forgiveness, because of the things I have thought about them. God was like, you have to also ask for forgiveness because you too have been wrong, you put this person in prison and I had to really reflect. I remember being so excited with the work God had been doing in me and now a year over a year on, I can still see how forgiveness and healing has really propelled me into the destiny God has called me to have.To give some examples, some were people who I would say had spoken badly about me and said things that hurt my reputation at a younger age. Even my father, my relationship with him I had to choose to forgive him and ask for forgiveness on how I treated him as a daughter.
Those things have really freed me to become who God has called me to become. It’s still happening and I'm still healing everyday sometimes you don't forget the pain that happened. But you have forgiven and you still have to keep on forgiving. The Bible says you forgive, seventy times seven times is what Jesus told Peter. That just means each time you remember, you forgive. I would also say listening to the Holy Spirit. I believe being obedient Him was the first way I could start navigating forgiveness. Second of all thinking Jesus Christ died for my sins and because of his sacrifice, I am forgiven.For anyone who wants to listen to the sermon on Sunday, the 17th, you can go to The Liberty Ghurch London on YouTube, but it talks about how unforgiveness is very costly. It costs you not only your health, but your destiny. It hinders the move of the Holy Spirit in your life. But when you look at what Jesus Christ went through dying on the cross the people he came to die for were the ones who crucified him. So those things propelled me to decide to forgive and also ask for forgiveness. The moment I started to forgive, it's automatically connected to my healing and from there, I started to feel freer. I am more confident in my relationship with Christ and my mental health because I feel liberated, I felt like I had finally defeated pride in one area. You will always reap healing emotionally, physically and spiritually. I pray that will be the case for anyone who is considering forgiveness even when it's very painful.
Rhieme: Amen,with what you said about reaping the benefits of forgiveness, I was just thinking about how it's actually an investment. You’re actively choosing to put your pride aside and lean into something that makes you very uncomfortable. I think forgiveness has everything to do with you, as opposed to the other person. Even if someone says sorry, that doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven them. Forgiveness is inward. I love how you basically navigated with the Holy Spirit because I personally don’t believe it's possible for you to heal without God. You may think you’ve healed but in reality, you’ve really just built walls. You can turn your pain into something else and mask it as boundaries.
Shide: With unforgiveness, you put that person in prison, but you have to watch the prison so you’ve really restricted yourself.
Rhieme: Yeah, it’s difficult, but it's worth it because at the end of the day, so many people are going to offend you. You can’t hold unto every single thing people have done. I was spending lots of time reflecting and asking myself, “why do I act the way I do?” I was listening to someone and started asking myself “are you really open?” It’s so important to always retrace your steps and hold yourself accountable. A lot of us change parts of ourselves because of the type of things people have done but I’ve realised, your character will always change if you change based on the actions of someone else. I really love what you mentioned about community. Being surrounded by the right people makes all the difference. The Liberty Church has helped me heal from church hurt. I remember when I came to the physical service for the time, I felt so free and that in itself was helping me heal. Even my friends as well, the friends I have definitely help because we're very open and transparent. Being around the right people at the right time is so key because I believe God can use people to help you heal and make the process more bearable.
Shide: Thank God, thank you for also sharing.
Rhieme: How have you navigated not allowing past hurt taint your view of future experiences?
Shide: The reason why I'm laughing is because a few weeks ago, there was a scripture that kept playing on my heart. It says “remember, not the former things of the old, behold, I'm doing a new thing, can you not perceive it? I'll make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the deserts”. That scripture is so powerful, for me because it touches on every aspect of life. God is transforming us to become greater so we can look more like Christ and this happens every day. So using that scripture, I can now talk about how God has been helping me because it's not by myself. My initial instinct when something happens with someone that may relate to something that happened to me in the past was to instantly feel anger or anxiety. I think the times we look back shouldn’t be because we're dwelling on it, but it’s to remember the goodness of God, and to use that to push us forward. The process for me was looking at people and realising they are human beings and human beings will always fall short, I also fall short, I am not perfect.
I believe everyone is trying to be a better version of themselves so when certain things happen and remind me of the past, I think God thank you because you brought me through that process before and if I could do I then by your grace, that means I can do it again, by your grace. A very important one for me is I don't want to lose the freedom I received from letting go of past hurt. My focus is on seeing Christ, the full manifestation of the glory of Christ Jesus so I can't be looking back in the past I'm not there. So let me keep my mind focused on the future where I'm going and it's not easy.
Rhieme: We need a podcast from you for starters, but yes I love everything you shared. I picked up on the need to leave the past because you're not there anymore. It’s actually something God said to me as well, He said, I'm not in the past, I'm in the present. If you say you're living for me, then why focus on an area that I'm not even present? You have a choice to either live as a shadow of your experiences and everything you do coming from your place of your past, or you can choose to let go. It’s not easy and it’s not something to be downplayed but you can't live as a victim forever. I was listening to a sermon earlier today and the pastor was saying
you have a choice of producing with the end in mind, so forward thinking or producing based on past hurt and constantly going back to experiences God is trying to push you forward from. A lot of the time we don't enter into the fullness of who we’re supposed to be because we’re constantly looking back. Whilst you should take your time to acknowledge what has happened, we can’t constantly live as shadows of our experiences.
Rhieme: How have you been able to be patient with yourself whilst on the healing journey?
Shide: I can't emphasise enough, the leading of the Holy Spirit He’s our guide, our counsellor and He brings peace. Being patient with myself has come through understanding that God cares about every aspect of my life, including my emotional health, my hurt and things I’m triggered by. So having the hindsight of what God can do, when you allow Him into that area and begin to do the things He calls you to do, makes me patient with myself.
Rhieme: Thank you so much for sharing and I love how you took everything back to God. God is not rushing the process of your journey or your healing so there’s no need to put yourself under pressure. God always says to me, you need to treat yourself the way I treat you. I remember last year when my healing journey started and I really just wanted to start doing different things. But there were still some things that had to be put in place but these ideas and gifts have always been within me and I had to realise that.
Shide: And God says, my grace is sufficient for you. So just wait on Him and actively obey what He’s saying. Deuteronomy 28 you see the reward of obeying. There’s a direct correlation between me being forgiving that has freed up so much space in my mind and in my heart for the things God is calling me to do. I have more room now and I'm still growing. I’ve been able to throw myself more into compassionate service in my church and I don't know if I could have done that if I were still carrying so much on my mind.
Rhieme: So good and I really like what you touched on, your past can actually take up space in your mind.
Shide: Sometimes it's subconscious, you don't realise how much has been taking up at the back of your mind, even if you're not actively thinking about it. As human beings, we're very fragile and my subconscious will be carrying so much weight from the bitterness and the offence I have stored up without realising. That in itself is affecting my ability to perform when I'm in the world and meeting people, doing things I'm supposed to. Like Pastor Sola was sharing on Sunday he went for a check up and the doctor asked “Is there someone you haven't forgiven?” Even the scientists out there in the world understand that unforgiveness has a direct correlation to our health.
Rhieme: That is true you can try to get through your day and all these intrusive thoughts begin to come in based on what you’ve been harbouring. It’s so important to start of by acknowledging that someone actually did something to hurt you and Then from there asking yourself “what processes do I need to go through to heal and forgive?” For some people, it might look like therapy, for others, opening up to friends but I think the best place to start really is talking to God about it because once you can be honest with God you can be honest with others.
Shide: For sure honestly and to even add let's say I was hurt by a particular person, maybe in the church and because of that hurt without realising I refuse to open up and make friends. But imagine someone there is a destiny helper and I refuse to get close to anyone else because of that person. Sometimes I think, but did that person really have to hurt me? But I can't answer it for that person and I'm not going to let it affect my destiny and where I'm going in life. Sometimes you have to think about it in a way empowers you. Part of forgiving is actually prioritising yourself, it's not even about the other person. There are so many things that have happened in my life and in my church and that is because of my ability to open up to others and be around others. That has come through healing God has taken me through that I've been opened up to so many things. So many opportunities, so many beautiful people that I've met. I've grown as a person because I've been able to prioritise myself.
Rhieme: Wow thank you so much. What you said about unforgiveness and your destiny is so important. That’s something Demi has taught me, she’s always talking about how as much as you can, when you find yourself in a difficult situation try to at least get to a place where there's a door. If they need something from you or vice-versa there’s leeway to speak, be cordial.We can’t control people’s response but at we can try our best to live at peace. Apart from that when God presents you with new experiences, if you haven’t healed from the old ones and taken out the lessons from them, you will keep on repeating the same thing continuously.
Rhieme: What advice would you give someone who's struggling with unforgiveness and finding it difficult to look beyond their pain?
Shide: Okay, this is something that is very common. It's not strange you don't want to forgive I've been there. The first thing to do is to pray about it because really it’s really God that helps. When I started, I didn't realise I could pray to God about it and He cares. Sometimes we think God only cares about things that look good on paper as a Christian, but He even cares about the intimate things.If you don't really have words, what I would say is , “Father, thank you for the many things I've heard about forgiveness. Thank you, Lord, for my heart and his is where I am, thank you for the access because it's through your Son, I could get access to be able to even speak to you and be in your presence. Lord, I'm struggling. I don't want to forgive this person. I feel justified in my anger” and you can cry out and make amends to God. Jeremiah lamented to God. He asked God what is going on here?
So even though these people are slaying me or I'm angry and I don't want to forgive, I'm going to trust you. I'm going to give this to you, help me take the next step. You can be like, Lord, help me to take the next step. What is the next step? You can’t do this without God, He’s the only way you can work through those emotions and help us start to let go. It could take one day, one hour, a year but the most important thing is God gives you the grace. I will also say read scripture on forgiveness, because that's something else I did. You can search forgiveness in the search bar on YouVersion and see what the Scripture says about forgiveness. Look at how Jesus Christ talks about forgiveness. Now look at your life and ask how can I apply this in my own life? It has to led by the Spirit of God, which we do through prayer and the Holy Spirit coming to help us. I'll say listen to messages on forgiveness, that's what really helped me when I was going through the process.I actually went through counselling through my church it has a ministry called Restore. I was paired with someone who was helping me and you can go through as many sessions as you need. I remember, last year, my friend Mazino hosted a seven-day, seven-day prayer, it was at 3am and it was called Rapha room and we were praying for healing, and one of the days was on forgiveness. So those kinds of initiatives are very helpful. Also taking time to observe to find the root cause of the hurt. I will also say, acknowledge you don't want to forgive, be honest it's fine. But you also need to acknowledge you need you need God's help and be willing to accept it when He gives you the help Healing is part of the will of God. Praying for the person as hard as it is, is also really good.
Rhieme: Yes, honestly thank you. As you said community, getting professional help, praying for the person and all is so important. I always believe there's a reason why people act the way they do. I don't think anyone is made to be bad person per say, I think a lot of experiences shape people so they project everything that's going on inside of them unto you.
Rhieme: Do you have any last words anything that’s been on your mind?
Shide: I would say, because healing is such a very sensitive topic I don't think it's something we can exhaust in this evening. I am grateful for this opportunity to talk about it because I feel like there's so much I'm going to keep learning about healing and there are many things I might not be aware of. The testimony I want to share is how healing from insecurities, things that happened to me in the past, friendships, past relationships, my relationship with my dad, all those things; because of the healing I received I see God in a different light. Let’s say two years ago, it was different but now I come to Him with a different lens. I see Him now as Father, it’s easier for me to come and ask for requests. Sometimes when you're going through healing it is quite painful because you wonder is this still in my heart? But now I love correction, I was writing in my journal I cannot believe I feel more love, I feel a lot of love. When God is correcting me about a particular thing in my life and healing me from something, I'm like, wow, that means I'm closer to God for it to be revealed. The last scripture I want to share is in 2 Corinthians 3: 18 and it says “we all with an unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit and with unveiled faces”. It means anything that's blocking our vision, our ability to see God is being removed. I pray that it won't stop here, everyone who listens would continue to have the conversation with God. He cares for you, your growth and He wants you to be better. He made you to be whole and He is working through you.
How did you find this conversation? Any key-takeaways? Share below. Make sure you check out The Blooming Fros, check out their spotlight feature on the blog and stay tuned for next week's conversation.
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